This year in March I became a grandmother – ‘nani’. Somehow I find the latter so much sweeter and meaningful. ‘Nani’ or maternal grandmother is an institution that embodies love, care, comfort and a repository of stories. Grandmother or nani – the feelings and emotions are the same, by whatever name called!

My little granddaughter arrived after giving her mother, my daughter, a rather tough time. I remember sitting outside the labour room, waiting. Nearly 12 long hours had passed; my daughter was still struggling inside. When the door to the room opened as some staff walked in or out, I could hear her groans and muffled dialogue. A woman is reborn when she gives birth; it is a blessed occasion, but sitting there a deep anger at the unfairness of biology resurfaced. This angst had knocked at my doors when I had my baby, and many times thereafter.

When I heard the first cry of the baby, the first emotion I recall is of relief. At last, my daughter was out of the testing time. When someone appeared from the room my first question was ‘is the mother alright?’ Only after she had nodded did I ask about the new entrant. It was a moment of deep respite for me. The joy at the arrival of the little one came later. I remember seeing her all wrapped up, her face crinkled, eyes shut, lying near her mother. She is the future of my child. That was the first thought that had come to me.

The days that followed are a blur. With looking after the new mother’s requirements and moods, the baby’s needs, running the house, and going to work – time flew by. When I got a break, I wondered how women in earlier generations had a dozen children in their lifetimes and retained their sanity. Here one new born was taking the energy and attention of all the adults around!

The little one grew steadily – her crinkly eyes opened up, her body straightened out and her face began to take contours. One night my daughter was exhausted. I took over the baby, only taking her to her mother when she needed to be fed. The night was spent waking up with her cries, cradling her, changing her, and whispering in her ears, while her new born smell enveloped me. A deep bond with the new life developed. It is such a struggle for the new born too – adjusting to this whole new world. The sights, sounds, faces, and suckling to survive every other hour!

The first day she looked at me and smiled, all of two months, suddenly from a new born, she became a person. As her awareness and interaction developed, she became delightful. I could spend hours just watching her, as she began to reach out for things, react to sounds and crumple up when she was hungry. For me, kissing her goodbye when I left for work, and heading straight to her on return became the highlights of my day.

A few weeks ago, my daughter developed flu, and the little one came once again to my lap and care. It was completely different from the time she was a new born. She looked around my room incessantly, seeking her mother. When I took her back after a feed, she would look confused and crestfallen. Playing nursery rhymes, and dancing for her, did not cheer her up. She clung to me, but there was resistance and tension in that grasp. Once back with her mother, she wailed loudly when I tried to hold her for a few days thereafter!

A grandchild brings with them the whiff of your own days of parenthood. However, the joy and happiness is superlative because the onus of parenting is not there. You play with them, whisper stories, click innumerable photos and await the next milestone. I now look forward to her growing, talking, walking and running. Being there for her is a given, cherishing her and gently introducing the world to her whenever possible would be an opportunity to treasure. Maybe, being a nani is about all this and more is to come…

Who does she look like? That is the favorite game in every house with a newborn. As different opinions flow around the house, I look at her and never cease to be amazed. The thought that she was linked to me biologically and carries the DNA from my ancestors in her body is somehow tremendous and immensely soul satisfying.

Is that why it is said that reproduction is a primordial urge? Because that new life represents a continuity that only nature can provide. No legacy that is built by humans ensures biological existence in the future, while a child or grandchild does. Is that why we love them so much? Because they represent a part of ourselves that will be here long after we are gone.

We love our children unconditionally, and grandchildren? In north India we have a saying about grandchildren, ‘asal se sood pyara’ that roughly translates to ‘interest is more precious and loved than the principal’.

Since she has arrived nearly six months ago, I have been wondering if this is true for me. I really don’t know. For me, my daughter remains the primary bond, and my granddaughter is like a beacon of hope. When she smiles her toothless grin, I melt within. I love holding her against my chest, and hear her cackles and cries.

When I see them together, I realize that my child is my future, while my granddaughter represents my own immortality. It is a complex and deep thought, and the emotions it carries are unfathomable.

I don’t try to decipher the feelings. All I know is that since I have become a nani, I am deeply happy, fulfilled and in a way set free.